Let’s talk about something a lot of us deal with—but don’t always admit: people-pleasing.
You know what I mean. Saying “yes” when you want to say “no.” Putting everyone else first, even when your tank is running on empty. Smiling and nodding when inside you’re thinking, “I just want five minutes of peace.”
Now, let’s be clear—being kind and caring isn’t the problem. That’s a beautiful thing.
The trouble starts when you care so much about what others think that you forget to care for yourself.
Meet Mary
Mary is one of those people you just love to be around. She’s kind, generous, and always willing to help.
Carpool last-minute? Mary’s in. Bake cookies for the school event? She’s already in the kitchen.
Cover someone’s shift? Of course—she’ll figure it out.
But behind the scenes? Mary is exhausted.
Her sleep is off. She’s stress-eating more often than she’d like. She skips her morning walk because she “doesn’t want to seem selfish.” She even feels guilty taking 10 minutes to drink her coffee on the porch—what if someone sees her “doing nothing”?
Mary’s not lazy. She’s not weak.
She’s just stuck in the trap of people-pleasing—and it’s taking a toll on her mental, emotional, and physical health.
Why Do We People-Please?
Honestly? It comes from a good place.
Most people-pleasers grew up learning that being liked = being safe or accepted. So they try to avoid conflict, keep the peace, and make sure no one’s upset.
But here’s the hard truth:
When we spend all our energy trying to keep others happy, we often forget to ask, “What do I need?”
And that can leave us:
- Overwhelmed and resentful
- Stuck in unhealthy patterns (like emotional eating)
- Tired, anxious, and totally disconnected from ourselves
What Helped Mary Shift
During coaching, Mary and I talked about how her need to keep others happy was actually making her unhappy. And little by little, she began trying a few new things.
Here are two simple shifts she made:
1. The “Pause and Check-In” Trick
Before saying yes to anything, Mary started taking a 10-second pause and asking herself:
“Do I really want to do this? Or am I just afraid someone will be upset if I say no?”
Sometimes the answer was still yes. But other times, she realized she was agreeing out of guilt—not joy. That pause gave her just enough space to choose differently.
2. Tiny Acts of Self-Fullness
(Shout out to Dr. Michael Arloski for that awesome phrase!)
Mary gave herself permission to take short, “self-full” breaks—like walking around the block alone or reading a book without feeling guilty. Even just 10 minutes can make a difference.
And guess what? The world didn’t fall apart.
In fact, her energy improved. She felt calmer. And she even had more to give—because she wasn’t running on fumes.
A New Way Forward
People-pleasing doesn’t make you a bad person. It means you care.
But YOU matter, too.
If this sounds like you, try starting where Mary did:
- Take a pause before you say yes
- Try one small thing each day that’s just for you
- Remind yourself: taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s sustainable
You can be kind and have boundaries.
You can help others without hurting yourself.
And you can say yes to others without saying no to yourself.
It just starts with noticing—and trying something small.
Progress, not perfection.
Mike Thomas is a registered pharmacist and a Mayo Clinic-trained, board-certified health coach. He specializes in helping busy professionals overcome low energy, high stress, and chronic pain to reclaim their health and vitality.
This blog is for educational and informational purposes only and solely as a self-help tool for your own use. I am not providing medical, psychological, or nutrition therapy advice. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat any health problems or illnesses without consulting your own medical practitioner. Always seek the advice of your own medical practitioner and/or mental health provider about your specific health situation. For my full Disclaimer, please go to CoachMikeThomas.com.